what would fisch do?
Background first:
A few weeks ago I answered an ad for a blind man looking for volunteers to help him with watching movies (describe what is going on while he listens), taking walks, getting a bite to eat, and just in general someone to talk to.
I'm not always the "let's help someone today type," but when I saw that he lived not even four blocks from me, I decided it wouldn't be good if i passed on it.
So I met "Mike" (all names besides my own have been changed) and we started doing exactly that. Sometimes once a week, but others as much as three times, we chatted, watched movies, and took walks. Mike is an extremely intelligent and interesting fellow. I truly do/did enjoy the time I spent with him, and plus, it always feels good to help someone out who really needs it.
I had the sense from a conversation that we had that he was gay (I am not). But it did not bother me, as long as no boundaries were crossed and things stayed the way they were. He is a touchy-feely type of guy, but without vision, I think I would probably be too.
Then, he sent me an email, in which he said that he wanted to be completely honest and tell he me was gay, and also included a piece he wrote on "independence as a blind man," and it was moving and I enjoyed it, but...the following ensued.
First my email to him:
Mike. Hi. It's Fisch. I've been thinking a lot the past few days, and I'm going to be honest and tell you what I've been thinking about.
I definitely enjoyed the time we spent together, I find you not only interesting, but surprisingly lighthearted, which is refreshing.
I pretty much thought that you were gay from a conversation that we had had earlier, so that when you mentioned it in the email to me, it definitely did not come as a shock.
Here is what happened.
I read the essay you sent me on "Independence" and was really touched and thought and still do think that you are an incredibly talented writer. You use the right words at the right times. I don't agree with all your views, especially about religious people, but that's okay, I'd probably find you boring if we agreed on everything.
I noticed at the end of your essay it said "copyright Mike X." The fact that you copyrighted it made me think it must have been published. So I googled your name and did come up with many hits and other articles written by you. Once again, I don't agree with most of them, but enjoyed reading every one of them.
However, I also came across an interview that you did with someone a few years ago. Something you said in the interview took me aback. I will quote: (I changed the quote for this post and paraphrased it, once again, to protect his identity. It remains the same in meaning.)
Q: Has this ever happened? Have you heard someone's voice and thinking that you may be attracted, said you needed to feel their face for one reason while really just wanting to tell if they were good looking, or see what they look like? Or to feel them up or something?
Mike: Yes! Yes to all three! Hahaha! sometimes when there's someone I like, I ask them for help going somewhere even if I don't need it. Hahaha!
I don't find that funny at all, nor am I comfortable with that. One of my best friends in this world is gay, and I love him as a friend and his sexuality is never a concern of mine. But I have full confidence and trust in him that he would never try to hit on me, or turn himself on using me. I can no longer have that confidence in you, based on your response in that interview. Now I think back on every handshake, hand in hand, every time we touched and I wonder if it was innocent or if I was being used / taken advantage of. I don't know. Perhaps I was not, but I don't know.
For now I will continue to think on the matter.
Until then, stay healthy.
Fisch
He answered my email the very next day with this:
Fisch, you were not being taken advantage of. And I am sorry that interview made you not trust me. That was done a long time ago and wasn't my favorite interview, because many of the questions were based on visual aspects that I could not answer easily. When I talked about that, I was referring to people who I knew were gay, but to be honest, I said that sort of in a campy way, as it is not something I really do. I certainly don't want you to feel uncomfortable, and to think I have an ulterior motive. I do enjoy feeling and am a touchy guy but that is not a sexual thing unless a person and I relate that way. I think it is sad that you feel uncomfortable with me, but I thank you for your honesty. I did enjoy our get togethers because I like your quick wit and you seem a sensitive person. I will not contact you again, but if you decide you want to describe movies and take walks with me, we can go from the knowledge that there is no hidden agenda on my part. Take care and all the best. Mike
This is where it stands.
His response sounded genuine and I think I believe him. I definitely don't want his life to be the worse for having met me, G-d knows this man has enough problems. But can I go back? Would you go back? Would it be too weird? What if I went back and then I felt weird, do I have to then "break things off" with him again?
I don't know. Opinions?
posted by Fisch at 12:28 AM
18 Comments:
Well, as my instinct towards most problems is to run and hide, this one is no different and I'd be under my bed at first sign of trouble. The fact that you even emailed him to explain why you may need to not see him is a million times more than I would do and, I think, a testament to your maturity and my, ahem, immaturity. Still, if you like the guy and believe him, then keep seeing him. If you're freaked out, you have no reason not to walk away.
Wow, awesome post, real life and real Fisch.
Very very interesting. I suppose you should give him another chance because he did not actually cross the line with you... and you confronted him about the issue so you should be able to take his answer as truth.
...but with that said: if you do still feel uncomfortable or if the line is actually crossed, I wouldn't blame you for having to "break things off". Thus is life and the consequences for having an interview like that "on record".
Give him another shot. If he tries to feel you up, then you can cut him loose with no hard feelings.
Why give up the companionship of someone you seem to enjoy because of an out-of-context comment he made years before he met you?
What makes you uncomfortable about the possibility that he may have hit on you? The fact that he's man and you're not interested in men? Or the fact that he hit on you period? If he were a blind woman, would your reaction be any different?
Karol you give yourself way too little credit, I see you handling situations every day where you don't run. Most of the time, hehe.
Deano, the post was as per requested, cause I'd hate to be "just another political blogger" ;) shhh
Lady falcon...I think I'd feel the same if it was a woman, if I felt she was hitting on me. I went there to help someone, not to have anything sexual happen at all. It's one thing to be hit on..it's another to be possibly hit on when he has his hand in yours...but yea I guess it was a comment made years n years ago...Hmm
In response to what Lady Falcon said, I don't think the issue is the fact that "Mike" is interested in men or that Fisch might get hit on... I think the issue is that Fisch may have been mislead. "Mike" using his blind-ness as a reason to "feel someone up" or spend time with someone he may be interested in under the guise of asking for help is wrong. It's not honest and I would feel violated.
All these men talking about feeling "violated." Very interesting.
You should hear some of the stories my women nurse friends have of being taken advantage of in a caretaking context...
Anyway, what touch by the blind man made you feel he may have been taking advantage of you?
Again, I think Lady Falcon is missing the point. I don't think Fisch felt that he was being taken advantage of. It's the fact that he read this article after and was thinking about the events in hindsight and how to handle it in the future.
Although I will grant you, no doubt that women have to deal with "violation" issues more often.
You can't go back. Things are too awkward. This is why I never help people. Thanks for revalidating my resolve.
I like Dawn's comment. I think it's very wise. :)
But, I still think you should try to see him again...just don't watch Brokeback Mountain with him.
This is what I would do: I'd send him an email right away thanking him for his response and saying that I was glad that the air was cleared and that I'd like to do something in the future and would call/write soon. Then, I'd take whatever time I needed to let the awkwardness pass before calling to resume the companionship.
This is the first time ive ever read your blog, wow, heavy, almost wish i never came across it because i have enough of these logs on bookmarked for daily reading.
I think the "weird" last for a very short time, like an old shoe, its cold at first but fits nice after a few moments.
Almost wish you hadn't...heh I'll take that as an almost-compliment. Thanks.
Meanawhile...I'm heavily leaning towards giving it another shot...Figure I don't have much to lose...If I'm uncomfortable I'll leave.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Forgive my neurotic inability to give a whole hearted compliment, I have issues. Who doesn't love a nice backhand now and again.
Fisch,
This is the first I've read your blog...... great entry. Dawn's comment "this is why I never help people," and Lady Falcon's believing Dawn is wise is a little disturbing. Fisch, you were doing a very nice thing, and what I gather from what you've shared, nothing so horrible has happened that can't be gotten past. Even if your suspicions of being used in some way turn out to be real..... so what. A life lived without putting yourself out on a limb once in awhile is no life at all. What's the worst thing that's gonna happen here? More than likely, you're just gonna bring some joy into someone else's life and isn't that an awesome thing worth taking a little risk for? Obviously, I'm saying I think you should go back. Thanks for your openness and I look forward to coming back and reading more.
C
I think you should kiss and make up.
OK that was rude and sounds harassing. I didn't mean it. You are a cool person and you have a good heart. Enjoyed your posts about the fight and your dad.
Bush is forever saying that democracies do not invade other countries and start wars. Well, he did just that. He invaded Iraq, started a war, and killed people. What do you think? Is killing thousands of innocent civilians okay when you are doing a little government makeover?
If ever there was ever a time in our nation's history that called for a change, this is it!
The more people that the government puts in jails, the safer we are told to think we are. The real terrorists are wherever they are, but they aren't living in a country with bars on the windows. We are.
"The leadership and spiritualitywas spoken by Lord Krishna to reveal the science of devotion to God which is the essence of all spiritual knowledge. The Supreme Lord Krishnas primary purpose for descending and incarnating is relieve the world of any demoniac and negative, undesirable influences that are opposed to spiritual developement, yet simultaneously it is His incomparable intention to be perpetually within reach of all humanity." - Ramanuja
Post a Comment
<< Home